Time to Heal

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When I started this project 9 months ago, I promised to be truthful and real, no matter how it may look. I didn’t want to sugar coat my life or make it something it wasn’t because this project was to be about realness, about being broken and finding Jesus in those moments when your low seems like it can’t get lower. It’s also about the good moments, the love and joy and the healing and happiness. It’s about life, the good and the bad and the tough and the easy. I never want it to deviate away from those principals.

With that said, I have struggled with depression most of my adult life. Sometimes, it hides in the inner corners of myself, and I push through with smiles and laughter and it doesn’t seep into my daily life. Then, there are those times where seemingly out of nowhere it grasps me and drags me down, confining me to the comfort of my billowy blankets, unable to face the world. When the latter time start to outweigh the better times, I know it is starting to be a problem.

That time is now.

In deciding to open up about my depression on here, I am doing something that many people don’t like to do, myself whole-hearty included.

I am admitting that there is a weakness in me, a flaw, that I am no quite sure how to handle.

I am admitting, to the friends, family and readers that I don’t have it all together. That, is a very hard thing to do. But, then again, it isn’t much harder than navigating the world of depression itself.

There are people out there that believe depression isn’t real, that it is or isn’t cured by medicine, that it’s lazy, that it’s a matter of “get over it”, that it is selfish, that it is an excuse .. that it’s this or that.

I am here to tell you my personal story, and only that. I know depression robs me of moments with my family and loved ones. It steals my joy. It takes the things that I hold dear and makes them undesirable. It takes the core of who I am and leaves me lost and lonely, even amongst people who desperately want to pull me out of it. I know depression is real, that I fight it daily, and that there is no one in this world that wants rid the sadness inside of me more than I do.

My husband and I made the move from Mississippi to Maryland to live closer to family and pursue our dream of being full-time missionaries. That is still our dream. Right now, my sweet husband is allowing me time to heal myself, before we move onto the next phrase of trying to help and heal others.

This season, as I am calling it, in my life is going to be about me. Of finally taking my health in my own hands, and doing what I need to do to heal. My 20’s have been plagued with these bumps and bruises of pains and hurts that I have gathered along the road of life. I’ve tried to heal them with time alone, hide them away and bury them, but they always come back, bigger and stronger.

Now, I have to face them.

I’m telling you this now, because that’s my job as Editor and Writer of this project. I am telling you this now because there are dark spots in our lives sometimes, and we don’t have to hide them, not from God, not from our loved ones, and not from anyone. I am telling you this so that you know, whatever you are dealing with, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel pain, to crumble sometimes, to not stand strong.

It’s okay to take time to heal.

I thank you all for your kindness, your thoughts and mostly, your prayers during this time,

Jenny

Photo Credit by Flickr Creative Commons Vinni123

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Going for God

I am seriously in love with the Olympics.

There is something so amazing and inspiring about athletes from all over the world, coming together in one place to showcase their talents and passions. The dedication they Imageput in, the hours of blood, sweat, and tears, the pain, the glory; it all seems so unfathomable.

And while the flags are being raised, the anthem is being sung, and the glimmer of all that dedication comes steaming down their faces, I can’t help but get choked up and reflect at my own life and where I put my time and dedication.

Where are my dreams in the priority of my day to day life?

Where does my passion lie?

And what might my life look like if I pursued and sought God like an Olympian?

I have dreams…..

To be a missionary. To pack up an RV and hit the road going from city to city doing disaster relief. I want to be a writer. I want to use my words to bring people closer to God. I want to be a mom, and to raise a family.  I want to run a race. To make my body lean and strong and run through the wind towards the finish line.

But above all, my biggest dream should be: to pursue God with every ounce of strength and energy I have.

And if that was the focus in my life, if that is what drove me and motivated me, wouldn’t the rest fall into place?

Sometimes, I get caught up in the day to day so much, that I feel like I am sleep walking through life. I lose the passion and the fire that makes this life beautiful. I put off my dreams for another day, I dip my toe in the pole of depression, and I let days fly by me like seconds. I am daydreaming and hoping for brighter days, but lay paralyzed in the stagnant pool of despair and normality.

God did not design me to live a dreamless life.

And more than that, he didn’t design me to dream and not achieve. He wants to fill my life with Blessings, He wants to see me succeed and live  fulfilled. But, He won’t do it for me.

If I want to be a writer, I must pray, seek Him, and write.

If I want to be a runner: I must pray, seek and run.

And in all hopes in dreams I must follow that model:

1. Pray: Share with God my hopes. my fears. Talk to Him like a daughter would to her dad about the things that matter to me. Brainstorm. Dream. Share my life with Him.

2. Seek God: Seek Him in every step. Ask Him where to go:then go. . Let Him walk with me, step by step in each milestone. When I hit a roadblock in my plan,I must seek his guidance and ask for His strength.

3. DO IT: With God walking (or running) right there next to me I can achieve my dreams. He has now paved the road, and all I have to do is run on it. And with each step I will know and feel that God is with me.
Suddenly, that dream isn’t so scary. The goals aren’t so high. When we use God in our lives, everything starts to look a little less intimating.

I will probably never be an Olympian, but that was never really my dream. Instead, I will pursue my OWN passions and dreams with God with the same hard work that an Olympian does.

And when this life is over, I will die a champion, and my God will greet me with a hug and a high five and be proud of what I have done here on earth.  I will make my dad PROUD. Who doesn’t want to see that?

Dream Big.

Pray.

Seek God.

Do it.

Achieve.

Repeat.

I love you all and can’t wait to share our dreams and achievements with each other.

Jenny